Goodbye

I am turning my back on the dream, and the obsession of making it work. I've been hesitantly lingering at the corner trying to hold on with one hand to the past we've built together. A past that it has dried out and a past of solitude and mutual frustration, but I past we also started with hope and what we thought was love. My other hand is on the edge of the corner, pulling, as I try peeking at what might be around this corner of uncertainty.

I am at the corner of uncertainty split between what has been and what could be. Torn between letting you go, and being reborn into something beautiful. There is pain and loneliness when I turn back, and there is hope, but fear when I look ahead.

I am frozen unable to move, speak and think and I can feel time passing by like a blob of molasses eating everything in its path and it is in that path where my dreams and my history collide making it impossible to distinguish what I am and what I want to be.

And I hate myself for wanting to live in the past, and at the same time so afraid of the future  missing the now; the now which is running through my hands like a burning liquid evading my consciousness.

It is goodbye though, it is the murder, the killing, the destruction of my own destruction, and being reborn. Grabbing hold of what really matters, what fuels me, what is. The becoming of me, and the acceptance of my own faults, but most importantly, the acceptance of my humanity and the perfection of being me now. Not what I was or what I will be, but the realization and celebration of me... NOW!.

No Apologies - Introduction

These are the notes that we all want to write but never do. These are our raw feelings, those we push deep inside because we feel so ashamed of even acknowledging their existence.

It is said that one has to tell one's story;  in order to find yourself, you need to take the journey they say. Empty your mind, know yourself, tell you story. This is my story.

I wanted Saul to write this, after all, he is my alter ego. He is supposed to be the raw, unapologetic insensitive mother fucker, but as it turns out, he is as shy, introverted and scared as I am. I wonder why he still lingers around when I'm left to deal with life on my own.

I've gone through life hiding in the comfort of mediocrity. All those mixed signals from my parents, teachers and friends. How can I ever forget those warm fuzzy feelings from hearing them say "you've got so much potential!" or "WTF were you thinking????" But it's not their fault. We have been forming this society of conformity  and anyone daring to go against the grain is quickly labeled as "problematic" and readily "disciplined".

So I've master the art of self sabotage in order to keep myself hidden under everybody's radar. Why would I want to share my ideas, they are dumb, how embarrassing would be if they all laughed. They will, I said!

What I think, what I feel, what I am... repressed because of my fears of been laughed at, judged, rejected, singled out and not being able to fit. Well the joke is on me... I never fit, and they all laughed anyway, I was judged and rejected and I didn't even have to be me, so why the fuck didn't I even try to be me?

40 years fast forward, and I say no apologies for being me, for what I feel and for what I think. No apologies for baby me, no apologies for boy and teenager me, no apologies for adult me, and certainly no apologies for old me.

Fear

Paralyzed and unable to move, think or act; beyond the adrenaline rushing through my veins intensifying my senses in order to survive, I sit motionless through our universe with every single drop of life drained because of this fear of everything. I've always wondered what lies deep under my layers of fears. Am I the hero or the villain? the savior or the executor? the angel or the demon?

Somehow, the greatness got lost between the lines, between the could have's and the would have's, and I keep going through this endless maze of agony and despair unable to face my pain, suffering... my failure.  Hell... not even my joy and success.

I thought I loved you, and I thought I had walked right along the abyss of our solitude to be close to you, so close we could rip each other's atoms with the gravity in our souls, but I never did. I stood there, frozen staring into the void dreaming about you and I instead of being you and I.

Will I fail if I try? will I sabotage my own success? I wish I could not only understand but feel real failure, real pain so I could get back on my feet, and realize that nothing is the end of our souls.

The Dream

Been so long in this dream, comfortably loosing myself in a sea of frivolous tasks and easy kills. Wake up, go to work, kiss her goodbye, kiss her hello and like a brainwashed prisoner I kept drinking the kool-aid of happy times seeing a stranger in the empty mirrors flying around my head.

The soundless music, the tasteless food and the colorless colors around my dream, the coldness of the human touch, and metal hearts pushing my thoughts down.

I'm peeking through, and I can sense a glimpse of a better life, and as a faint ray of light warms up my snake skin I can believe there is something else.

I want to break through, and rip through the fabric of my numbing reality, but I feel my mind giving in, my body aching, and my soul dripping down a rabid black hole devouring every last shred of strength.

I feel my tears turning to blood, and my blood turning to dirt as hell engulfs my feelings of forgiveness for me.

Yelling and screaming, grunting, pushing and shoving, running tirelessly, imploding and exploding at the same time. Craving, but giving up and the endless inner battle  goes on and on and on.

I want to face those demons I am so afraid of, or is it just me? has it always been only me on the other side of the mirror challenging me? am I my own demon holding the keys to the doors of pain and freedom?

Someone wake me up from this nightmare, someone save me from myself!

Little Road Trip

I took this little road trip,
still trying to get used to my brand new solitude,
I was hoping this little road trip
would let me find myself,
but this little road trip
hasn't panned out exactly as I hoped.

I'm a little scared,
I drive back tomorrow,
and I cant help but picture
myself driving into this huge boulder back home.

Funny word home,
I do not have a home anymore,
and this little road trip of mine
has only brought my wounds to plain view
like scolding blisters all over my soul.

Would anyone come to my rescue
see beyond my dying eyes, and maybe...
feel I'm worth rescuing.

How can you? I wont risk saving myself, why would you?
How can you? My mind is rotten, and my soul is dark, why would you?

And this little road trip, hasn't cleansed this pain away.

Myself... now

I wish I could just pull...

feelings out of my soul,

thoughts our of my brain

images out of my memories

and leave my soul exposed 

dripping pain and bleeding feelings.

Watch it dry... squeezed out of every little drop of happiness, hope and love.

I wish I could peel my skin off, 

and set myself free from pain, and joy.

It is this maze of uncertainties, hopelessness and despair.

It is this maze of darkness, silence and myself. My dreadful self!

 

Solitude

I feel my mind racing from thought to thought, speeding faster than light taking me from our discussion of last week to our huge fight 10 years ago.
Going over and over what I said and what you didn't understand, what I couldn't see, and what we didn't appreciate enough to realize we were never alone.

What if?
    - I had said it differently?
    - I had done this or that?
    - I hadn't done this or that?
    - I was not me?

The blame, and guilt, the fears and everything staring right at me like vicious monsters staling my weaknesses.

I feel it now, its fingers wrapped around my soul.. squeezing it tighter as  I feel it bleed through my eyes. I am scared of being alone.