Goodbye

I am turning my back on the dream, and the obsession of making it work. I've been hesitantly lingering at the corner trying to hold on with one hand to the past we've built together. A past that it has dried out and a past of solitude and mutual frustration, but I past we also started with hope and what we thought was love. My other hand is on the edge of the corner, pulling, as I try peeking at what might be around this corner of uncertainty.

I am at the corner of uncertainty split between what has been and what could be. Torn between letting you go, and being reborn into something beautiful. There is pain and loneliness when I turn back, and there is hope, but fear when I look ahead.

I am frozen unable to move, speak and think and I can feel time passing by like a blob of molasses eating everything in its path and it is in that path where my dreams and my history collide making it impossible to distinguish what I am and what I want to be.

And I hate myself for wanting to live in the past, and at the same time so afraid of the future  missing the now; the now which is running through my hands like a burning liquid evading my consciousness.

It is goodbye though, it is the murder, the killing, the destruction of my own destruction, and being reborn. Grabbing hold of what really matters, what fuels me, what is. The becoming of me, and the acceptance of my own faults, but most importantly, the acceptance of my humanity and the perfection of being me now. Not what I was or what I will be, but the realization and celebration of me... NOW!.

No Apologies - Introduction

These are the notes that we all want to write but never do. These are our raw feelings, those we push deep inside because we feel so ashamed of even acknowledging their existence.

It is said that one has to tell one's story;  in order to find yourself, you need to take the journey they say. Empty your mind, know yourself, tell you story. This is my story.

I wanted Saul to write this, after all, he is my alter ego. He is supposed to be the raw, unapologetic insensitive mother fucker, but as it turns out, he is as shy, introverted and scared as I am. I wonder why he still lingers around when I'm left to deal with life on my own.

I've gone through life hiding in the comfort of mediocrity. All those mixed signals from my parents, teachers and friends. How can I ever forget those warm fuzzy feelings from hearing them say "you've got so much potential!" or "WTF were you thinking????" But it's not their fault. We have been forming this society of conformity  and anyone daring to go against the grain is quickly labeled as "problematic" and readily "disciplined".

So I've master the art of self sabotage in order to keep myself hidden under everybody's radar. Why would I want to share my ideas, they are dumb, how embarrassing would be if they all laughed. They will, I said!

What I think, what I feel, what I am... repressed because of my fears of been laughed at, judged, rejected, singled out and not being able to fit. Well the joke is on me... I never fit, and they all laughed anyway, I was judged and rejected and I didn't even have to be me, so why the fuck didn't I even try to be me?

40 years fast forward, and I say no apologies for being me, for what I feel and for what I think. No apologies for baby me, no apologies for boy and teenager me, no apologies for adult me, and certainly no apologies for old me.