Fear

Paralyzed and unable to move, think or act; beyond the adrenaline rushing through my veins intensifying my senses in order to survive, I sit motionless through our universe with every single drop of life drained because of this fear of everything. I've always wondered what lies deep under my layers of fears. Am I the hero or the villain? the savior or the executor? the angel or the demon?

Somehow, the greatness got lost between the lines, between the could have's and the would have's, and I keep going through this endless maze of agony and despair unable to face my pain, suffering... my failure.  Hell... not even my joy and success.

I thought I loved you, and I thought I had walked right along the abyss of our solitude to be close to you, so close we could rip each other's atoms with the gravity in our souls, but I never did. I stood there, frozen staring into the void dreaming about you and I instead of being you and I.

Will I fail if I try? will I sabotage my own success? I wish I could not only understand but feel real failure, real pain so I could get back on my feet, and realize that nothing is the end of our souls.

The Dream

Been so long in this dream, comfortably loosing myself in a sea of frivolous tasks and easy kills. Wake up, go to work, kiss her goodbye, kiss her hello and like a brainwashed prisoner I kept drinking the kool-aid of happy times seeing a stranger in the empty mirrors flying around my head.

The soundless music, the tasteless food and the colorless colors around my dream, the coldness of the human touch, and metal hearts pushing my thoughts down.

I'm peeking through, and I can sense a glimpse of a better life, and as a faint ray of light warms up my snake skin I can believe there is something else.

I want to break through, and rip through the fabric of my numbing reality, but I feel my mind giving in, my body aching, and my soul dripping down a rabid black hole devouring every last shred of strength.

I feel my tears turning to blood, and my blood turning to dirt as hell engulfs my feelings of forgiveness for me.

Yelling and screaming, grunting, pushing and shoving, running tirelessly, imploding and exploding at the same time. Craving, but giving up and the endless inner battle  goes on and on and on.

I want to face those demons I am so afraid of, or is it just me? has it always been only me on the other side of the mirror challenging me? am I my own demon holding the keys to the doors of pain and freedom?

Someone wake me up from this nightmare, someone save me from myself!

Little Road Trip

I took this little road trip,
still trying to get used to my brand new solitude,
I was hoping this little road trip
would let me find myself,
but this little road trip
hasn't panned out exactly as I hoped.

I'm a little scared,
I drive back tomorrow,
and I cant help but picture
myself driving into this huge boulder back home.

Funny word home,
I do not have a home anymore,
and this little road trip of mine
has only brought my wounds to plain view
like scolding blisters all over my soul.

Would anyone come to my rescue
see beyond my dying eyes, and maybe...
feel I'm worth rescuing.

How can you? I wont risk saving myself, why would you?
How can you? My mind is rotten, and my soul is dark, why would you?

And this little road trip, hasn't cleansed this pain away.

Myself... now

I wish I could just pull...

feelings out of my soul,

thoughts our of my brain

images out of my memories

and leave my soul exposed 

dripping pain and bleeding feelings.

Watch it dry... squeezed out of every little drop of happiness, hope and love.

I wish I could peel my skin off, 

and set myself free from pain, and joy.

It is this maze of uncertainties, hopelessness and despair.

It is this maze of darkness, silence and myself. My dreadful self!

 

Solitude

I feel my mind racing from thought to thought, speeding faster than light taking me from our discussion of last week to our huge fight 10 years ago.
Going over and over what I said and what you didn't understand, what I couldn't see, and what we didn't appreciate enough to realize we were never alone.

What if?
    - I had said it differently?
    - I had done this or that?
    - I hadn't done this or that?
    - I was not me?

The blame, and guilt, the fears and everything staring right at me like vicious monsters staling my weaknesses.

I feel it now, its fingers wrapped around my soul.. squeezing it tighter as  I feel it bleed through my eyes. I am scared of being alone.